Sarahjanus's Blog

January 13, 2015

Breaking the ice, the absence

Filed under: crossdresser — Sarah Michelle @ 11:21 am

This morning I break the ice of a two year absence. Sites like prepared me for the ebb and flow that being a closet crossdresser can bring. I returned to this blog because it is the only safe and secret place that I have to be totally honest with myself. Entries into computer files and diaries can be found and read. This is arm’s length enough that I feel safe.

I am also humbled when I return here and see the vastly more serious entries of those that I follow.  I truly believe that the world is embarking upon World War III but unlike the previous two, this will be a war on the doorsteps of us all.. The deaths of so many non-combatants at the hands of those who have hijacked an otherwise peaceful religion is a tragedy beyond description. Who am I to write about the stress of being a closet crossdresser when so many in the world live in fear for their lives?

I like to travel. I love Europe, the Mediterranean and Africa as well as North America. There is so much history and culture and the people I have encountered so far have been welcoming. It will be a sad reality if my looking around me now is because of the threat of harm rather than the innocent wide-eyed wonder at the world’s beauty. I will continue to travel.

Two years ago I weaned myself off two prescription drugs. One was an anti-depressant and the other for the treatment of adult ADD. In the months that followed I lost all interest in dressing. I attributed that loss to the absence of the drugs. I couldn’t bring myself to throw out all my clothes though. I love my femme clothes. My drab clothes have only a minimalist social purpose. I have what I need to dress in drab for the occasions that I encounter, two aging suits, jeans for the motorcycle, and extremely casual clothes for all other moments. My femme clothes have style and colour. I threw out some of what I had. I kept my favorite clothes and materials as well as shoes and jewelry.

Occasionally I would pull the box out of the closet and sort through everything, handling it with fondness and a sense of loss and want. It has been long established that I am a coward and I will never step out of the shadows to proclaim who I truly am, but in the last month the drives and needs have returned.

The drugs haven’t, didn’t, so I don’t know what the trigger was. I only know I have to dress again to be comfortable in myself during my day. I have dressed for three days in the last month and as with many addictions or obsessions, the more I dress the more I want to.  I’m a bit like an alcoholic in that respect. I have to deny myself completely in order to avoid relapses and even then, apparently, I can fall off the wagon.

We’ll see how long this motivated state lasts. I know that not only am I dressing during the day but I am shopping again, looking for new clothes, new dresses. I am shopping a bit more carefully. I have a better idea of what I like and what doesn’t fit me, but I am shopping.  I haven’t thought much about what I’m doing and why so this is a short entry. It simply records, for me, the fact that I am back where I was two years ago. Now I have to see if it is same place, same person or if either have evolved.


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