Sarahjanus's Blog

January 17, 2011

It’s a beautiful day

Good morning World. I don’t know how to use fonts and formatting to write that phrase so that it is reminiscent of Robin William’s character in Good Morning Vietnam. But, that’s how I feel this morning, exuberant, exhilarated, glad to be alive and looking to share that with everyone.

It’s cold here in my part of Canada. I had to take one child to the bus this morning in the pre-dawn darkness and the thermometer read -24°C. It doesn’t matter. I’m in the house, warmly dressed with work to do, coffee at hand and nobody home. I can switch from Robin Williams to urban slang and sing out that “Sarah’s in the house”.

During the week I usually have stretches of hours to myself. I can dress and settle in to work. As a side note, the growing presence of video phones is not pleasing me. It could seriously impact my privacy. In the meantime, being able to dress in the morning lets me be Sarah from the beginning of the day. So I am calm, relaxed, at ease with myself. Even when people begin to arrive home, and I have to change my clothes to drab, the personality remains. It may remain for the rest of the day. If my tranquility is challenged, Sarah may retreat, and my tense and hostile persona comes to the forefront. I can now feel the shift when it happens. I have long been accused of not knowing myself but since Sarah became a force in my day, I am much more attuned to my feelings and responses.

The problem becomes significant when there is always someone home, and I don’t get to dress at any point in the day. It becomes much harder to bring the calmer, quieter persona to the forefront. My tension and hostility breeds tension and hostility in response so it becomes a damaging useless cycle.

I post on Plenty of Fish. I’ve explained part of the reasons why in an earlier blog but one of the things that has happened is that I’ve been contacted by men (or writers presenting themselves as men) who, for the moment, just want to talk to me as Sarah. That has been an uplifting and exhilarating and empowering experience. It has strengthened me as Sarah tremendously. I can carry a conversation with a man while presenting as a woman. It may not be the same as carrying a conversation with a man in person, but like any rehearsal, it’s bound to make me much more confident and relaxed when the person to person opportunity arises.

The spin-off effect is that Sarah is stronger. I can hold her for longer after the clothes are changed. She doesn’t retreat so quickly. Conversely, I can’t go to Plenty of Fish when my everyday personality is present because I can’t relate to the conversations. I can’t get the giddy, light-hearted, fast-talking girl to the forefront. So, my answers are short, and sometimes sharp.

For years my wife loved the world and expected the world to love her back. In her mind, there wasn’t anyone in the world that would cause her harm because she meant harm to no one. She couldn’t comprehend cruelty for the sake of cruelty or the sociopathic personalities that just couldn’t care about the consequences of their actions on others. She has lost some of that shine. I never understood it until now. Now Sarah brings that to the day. I love the world and I expect the world to love me back. I don’t have a reason, I just do. Of course, if I went out to the Mall as a middle-aged man dressed in women’s clothes, the world might not be as kind as I hope for, and that’s sarcasm in the form of under-statement. But here, this morning, in my own house, I love the world, I love all of you, and I hope you have a wonderful day.

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2 Comments »

  1. Hi Sarah

    Its a while since I visited and you still write as beautifully as ever. You seem to be settling to a pattern and if not exactly happy to switch personas according to who is there (at your house), you are accustomed to it anyway. I’m wondering have you been caught? or been close? Do you have a lot of time to change in or out?

    You mention your chats with men (or those who present as men). I’m not sure that many women would present as men. Actually I know what you mean about chatting prolonging your feeling of being Sarah, but I prefer still to chat to women. It can be just as much a challenge to be a friend to a woman, who often do want ‘more than one thing’.

    Hugs Tina x

    TinaCortina
    tinacortina.wordpress.com/

    Comment by TinaCortina — January 18, 2011 @ 7:49 am

    • Thank you for the compliment but you have the ultimate gift, the ability to go out with friends. I haven’t been caught (yet) but there have been close calls and screw-ups, like lipstick or mascara, or a sweater not put away. I prefer to chat with women as well, always have found it easier, but chatting with a man while I’m presenting as a woman is something new and very novel.

      Comment by Sarah Michelle — January 18, 2011 @ 4:32 pm


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