Sarahjanus's Blog

January 10, 2011

Looking for Mr. Right

Woe is me. I’m doing a silly thing and it’s just frustrating and disappointing me. As anyone who reads this regularly knows, I’m clearly confused about where I fit in the world. I was very fortunate to find Crossdressers.com. The Forum there has been an absolute bit of heaven for me. There are so many different styles of cross-dressers, so many different levels of cross-dressers that I have been able to fit myself in and feel at home.

I have come to know that I am not sexually motivated in my cross-dressing. I don’t do it for the sexual charge or sensation. I do it for the sense of inner peace that comes with being in women’s clothing. Most of the cross-dressers on the site are hetero-sexual males. The cross-dressing doesn’t influence their sexual orientation. I guess (and it is a guess because the answer still isn’t completely clear) that their cross-dressing isn’t sexually motivated either. The most common response (anecdotal, not scientific) of those, whose wives know of their cross-dressing, is that the dressing stops at the bedroom door. The wives are not interested in having sex with their husbands as women.

My wife doesn’t know that I cross-dress. I don’t expect that I’m going to tell her any time soon, if at all. I would like to, but it would be the end of this relationship without a doubt, which brings me to the point of today’s writing. I registered on Plenty of Fish using a variation of my en femme name. I wrote an accurate profile in terms of being a cross-dresser and not being entirely sure what I wanted or was looking for. I invited replies from men who may be interested in exploring that potential with me.

I know that out there, any one reading this is rolling their eyes in expectation of what is about to come. First, I have to sort through the contemporaries who can’t write a sentence or even spell. Even with allowances for modern texting, and the loss of proper grammar, I can’t interpret some of the messages, never mind understand them. Then I have to weed through those who write a single message that appears to empathize with my situation. Once I reply to those the return message is inevitably; when can I come over to your house and have sex.

Then I have to parlay with the more seasoned and skilled writers who appear to understand my situation and are prepared to put in a bit of time “getting to know each other” in public places before either of us trust the other somewhere private. Unfortunately the longer it takes to arrange the public meetings, the longer it is between responses. I can see their interest waning even before we really get started.

So far, I’m 0 for 0. A fellow traveler appeared to be every bit as patient as I am and we had been talking back and forth, comparing schedules, looking for common ground and a safe place, discretion assured etc. Today, he writes a message about fantasying of me in fishnets, stilettos, red panties and a white camisole. That was never part of the plan, at least not in my foreseeable future.

I have this concept, that I might be better suited to this world as a woman. I know that I don’t relate well to men on a man to man basis. I know I do love the company of women and I have always been more comfortable in their company. I know now, as I have learned about clothes, hair, nails and make-up, that I can happily join in on their conversations and be content. I don’t know how it would play out if I were to take on the role of a woman full-time. I don’t know how I would relate to the men that I met. I don’t search out sex with women. It has become a function that I am responsible for at home.

I went to Plenty of Fish looking for a man that would allow me to be a woman and explore that role without haste or pressure. I knew going in that it wasn’t likely to be successful. Sucks really but I hold out hope, that I will find a man willing to indulge my fantasy.

Funny thing is how discerning I am; when as Sarah I read and respond to the posts I receive. Men really do shovel the bulls^&t with a big shovel. I want to be able to give myself to a man but it is going to have to be the right man and he may have to wait (when I find him, if I find him) until the circumstances are right.

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