Sarahjanus's Blog

January 5, 2011

Happy New Year

I’m in a dress. I could sing it from the rooftops. I’m in a dress. It has been three weeks almost to the day since I was last able to dress. On the 15th of December, the first of the Christmas company arrived, early because they had to go home on Boxing Day. Over the next three weeks, I never had a moment alone in the house until this morning.

I have to admit, I seemed to suffer significant stress over the three weeks. I’m not sure whether it was caused by the total lack of privacy, I really like my alone time, or if it was caused by not being able to dress and more significantly not seeing an opportunity on the near horizon. The presence of others appeared as if it may go on forever.

I suppressed this need to dress until I retired but once the consistent opportunity presented itself with everyone-else going to work every day, the need took hold with a vengeance. I find myself getting moody when school holidays and sick days cause me to lose the privacy of the house. I have to monitor myself and not allow myself to fixate on being able to dress tomorrow or the day after. I don’t plan what I’m going to wear. I don’t anticipate the departure of everyone-else. The disappointment is distinct and obvious to all who see me when it doesn’t happen. I am gaining an ever stronger reputation for wanting to be alone. Unfortunately that’s only part of the story, the truth is that I want to be dressed as a woman and if I could do that in my house, regardless of who was there, I wouldn’t be so moody.

This morning, after my shower, I pulled out the new dress from Mark’s. It was a sale item that I bought well before Christmas and had to put away until now. I took the tags off and hung it so that I could see it as I selected the underwear, pantyhose and shoes. I wasn’t even looking for make-up or jewelry. I just wanted to feel the dress on.

The bikini underwear was first on. A simple tuck was accomplished. The silver pantyhose were next. I feel feminine when I point my toes and shimmy the nylons onto my feet, gather them and pull them up my leg. Both feet in, I can pull the pantyhose up evenly, reinforcing the tuck. My short rise from crotch to waist always leaves me more material than I need and if I pull them up and snug, they roll. The black bra is next, the forms go in. it’s going to be a short day so they don’t need to be glued. They press against my chest and form their own seal. I don’t even notice the weight anymore. They feel like part of me.

The dress goes on, over my head and I wiggle until it slithers down and settles on me. It’s a “Curve-fit” with its own built in bra but I’m not sure yet if the bra is enough to hold my forms without adhesive. That will be another day’s experiment. As I button up the blouse, I slip my feet into patent heels and I feel complete.

I look in the mirror and I see a 50 something woman, stern of face, solidly built, more full-bodied than shapely. Her legs are thin and not in keeping with the heavier torso but her clothes are age appropriate, well-fitted and of good quality. She appears comfortable with who she is and where she is. Maybe in her youth she would have turned heads but now she is satisfied with her own judgments of her appearance.

The sun is shining outside and in. I feel light, like a feather on a breeze. The gloominess of the past days vanishes. I move about the house in a peaceful state of mind, now that the longing is over.

I am deeply driven to this dressing. I don’t think it will ever go away. I don’t want it to go away. I want to be able to access this inner person. I want to access this inner peace. No matter what I do as a male, I have not been able to recreate this feeling.

Sarah can feel the light of day upon her face again and she is happy. Hello everyone and happy New Year.

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