Sarahjanus's Blog

December 31, 2010

The last day, the first day

December 31st, it is the last day of the year and the first day in two weeks that I have been alone anywhere other than the bathroom. My reprieve will be short-lived. The house has its own Machiavellian nature. The last child standing went away for a few days to spend time with his friends. He returns today at noon. The last of the company went out the door this morning so I get a teaser of peace and quiet, not enough to indulge myself with dressing, just enough to be able to go around and turn things off or down.  I shall exit the year with the same frustrations that I began it.

I’m doing a careless thing this morning. My own laptop is closed and off, a victim of the constant shifting of articles to create space temporarily for the need of the moment. I’m too lazy to set it up and turn it on, so I’m writing this blog on the common desktop. I’ll have to be certain to save it somewhere secure and move it to my own drive later. This is the kind of detail I overlook and later regret. How many people have done the same? How many cross-dressers have been outed by failing to clear e-mails or caches? The devil is in the details.

It’s just so nice to be able to sit quietly and let Sarah have a moment. I can let the tensions of the past weeks slip away. I’ve acknowledged before that esteem issues are part of my package of problems. Christmas is one of the high stress moments when I second-guess my choices of gifts for people, how much effort I put into the process and the amount of money I spent. Spending is a double-edged sword. How is it that I can spend so much money and still feel that I’ve been cheap?

I’m not a happy bubbly personality. I haven’t been “out-going” for decades. I continue to turn inward more and more. People comment on my blank gray flat visage. I absorb the criticism because it is accurate whether or not one believes that they are entitled to speak. I can’t change myself and if I can, I don’t know how.

As I travelled to social gatherings or received people for gatherings in our home, I watched the women. I took note of how they were dressed, of how they had accessorized, and how they had done their make-up, (a lot, a little, too much, not enough, the right amount in the right colours and the right places). I wondered if certain dresses came in my size? Would I like those boots at the end of the evening if I had to wear them all night? What would I have done with my hair, my jewelry? Which of my dresses would I have picked? If I dressed full-time, would I be taking the same short-cuts as some, wearing jeans and sweaters or would I bear the flag high and true and put in the full effort as some others still do, always do.

If I were a woman would I be a happier person? Would I feel that I fit in better? Would I be more natural in that role than the one I occupy? If I came “out”, and dressed full-time, would I still be welcomed at all the same gatherings and social moments? I long to be in that environment even as a caricature of a women.

For 2011, I wish that every-one may find their inner peace, a sense of success in their lives, a measure of contentment with who they are and the ambition to help others find the same things. I wish every-one a happy New Year, with a sincerity that I haven’t felt in decades.

Sarah Michelle Janus

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