Sarahjanus's Blog

December 3, 2010

A letter to my wife

A short letter to my wife; it is truly unfortunate that you are not Sarah’s friend, or even aware that Sarah exists. In my own strange way, I wish that we could be friends. I know what your feelings are about effeminate men, and I know what your feelings are about men who make dramatic life changes. So the chances of you and Sarah being friends are next to nil.

Today I felt an inner beauty that is new to me. I would have liked to share the feeling with you. I know, other considerations aside, that you would understand the emotion and the importance of it. You, who are so in tune with your emotions would have appreciated the moment.

After a morning in which all of my appointments and engagements fell apart and the morning seemed to be lost, I resorted to Walmart for mental refreshment. I wandered the aisles, gathering groceries as I saw thing we needed and I shopped the shoes. There was a pair of size 10 heels, a muted gold strap with three cut glass ornaments down the front. I could use your line here; they called out to me. Actually the shoes called out before I even knew that my size was there but I resisted. I have too many for the amount of dressing I do as it is. Besides, I’ve sort of told myself that my next shoe purchase needs to be a pair of boots that I can use between leggings and skirts in the colder weather.

I did find a simple sweater that I bought. It is that open front style that is popular right now, with a handkerchief hem. It’s very lightweight but I did need something for wearing in the house because most of my tops are short sleeve and lightweight material. I’m left feeling chilled often.

As you now know, the last child standing decided to hang out with friends for the day, so the house was mine for hours. This was an opportunity I didn’t expect but was certainly going to enjoy to its fullest.

Once home, and out of the male clothes, I took out the green houndstooth dress. It’s a really comfortable fit across the bosom and through the waist but it is just a touch too short to be completely comfortable. I matched it with the newer gray metallic tights and the black patent heels. The necklace from Ardene, cheap as it is, was a perfect match, green baubles on a series of silver chains. The sweater finished off the outfit so that when I looked in the mirror, I was truly pleased with what I saw. I sparkled from the inside out.

There was no make-up and no wig, but in spite of that, I really liked the look and would have happily gone out to the mall, short hair and all. It’s too close to Christmas to rock the boat so significantly by going out in semi-dress close to home.  I wish you knew of my dressing and were at least tolerant. I would have been out the door in a flash if you knew.

I moved around the house in comfort all day. I got a good deal of work done on the computer. It’s too cold and I’m dressed too formally to work outside but I wish I could.

You have asked me so many times what it would take for me to be happy, and why it is that I don’t seem to know. Well, now I know and unfortunately what it would take for me to be happy would make you very unhappy.

At the end of the day, I had to put the clothes away and resume my public persona. You know from the telephone chat how bright my soul was while we talked. I was singing the praises of the afternoon sun, with its cold near-winter brightness. I waxed eloquent about the big snow-flakes drifting down through the light. I wish I could tell you why I am happy and how I could be happy so much more often.

My wish for the moment is that I can take the lightness that comes with dressing and carry it into my drab side. There is more irony for me in describing male attire as drab than there may be for most. Truly, my male life is drab. My female life is so much brighter, peaceful, and comfortable. I know that you are happy now and that it is significant after all we have been through. I know you are wondering why I’m happier at the moment, fearing that it has nothing to do with you, and fearing that your own happiness will be short-lived. I’m walking a tight-rope here. I’m happier on the tight-rope than I was when I wasn’t.

I wish you could be Sarah’s friend.

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