Sarahjanus's Blog

November 30, 2010

Here I am posting already

So much for pledges to stay focused, I’m writing for the blog already. The pledge may have been a bit extreme. Almost as soon as I posted it, I wondered about the logic of it. I certainly wasn’t about to study 24/7 for the next week. I am too many years past that, although, as so diplomatically pointed out by Sophie, the knowledge is only mine until Alzheimer’s takes it from me. Any reader past middle age who has returned to school knows only too well that their brain has lost much of its elasticity and it is much harder to read and retain information than it ever was before. My fear is not that I won’t study enough but that, come the moment, I won’t have retained enough.

I was going to title this post “Letter from a make-believe woman to a non-existent sister”. The premise is as a result of thoughts I had while driving home today. A series of moments coalesced to trigger a realization that I, as Sarah, wanted to have a “sister” to talk with. The original purpose of the blog was to focus on issues by writing about them. I have been writing about Sarah, what it feels like to be her, what it feels like to not repress the thoughts and emotions. I have included the milestones, the benchmarks of her short life as she has come into being. I haven’t just written as Sarah, what I see in the day, what I think, what I feel. So, if I get to it that will be the point of today’s writing.

Before that however, I have two other anecdotes to share. The first is my humor, which I can’t share at home, at least not in this case. In Ontario and probably Canada there is a Tide laundry detergent commercial playing currently. In it, a daughter asks her mother if the mother has seen the daughter’s green top. The mother lies (by omission) and answers; “it’s not really my style”, because the mother has seen it, worn it and stained it. My humor sees the exchange slightly differently from my world;

Daughter:            Mom, have you seen my green top?

Mother:               It’s not really my style.  Have you asked your father, maybe he wore it?

The other anecdote is not as light-hearted. Over the weekend a conversation took place in which a young man, an intimate of my son’s related how his father had recently left his mother, declaring himself to be gay, after 20 years of marriage and 4 children. Of course, my ever open-minded wife is incredulous that a man can discover himself to be gay after etc. I sat in silence, thinking, I can’t explain it for you but I can understand how it happens. Being a wife herself, mine couldn’t see much beyond the destruction that must have occurred in the other woman’s home and life. I can appreciate that as well and fortunately mine didn’t go overboard in her criticism of those who change horse’s mid-stream. It illustrated the battle that will be in front of me if I ever come out of the cross-dressing closet, or am inadvertently outed.

My blogs are sometimes too long, and this one, because of the anecdote has modified my mood from the giddy girl that sat down to write about her day. So, I’ll end this one, post it and try again for the Letter from a make-believe woman.


1 Comment »

  1. Hello Sarah,

    First of all it’s very kind of you that you called my last comment diplomatic. I’d rather call it harsh, rude, sour or morbid. 😀
    Second is your anecdote about Tide. Great joke (or serious) . 😀
    Third is your story about discovering being gay after two decades of marriage. Discovering such things may takes some time. Or some more time. Although the earlier is the better, as I reckoned.
    Discovering my transsexuality took me almost the same two decades. Although the signs before were as bright as the Sun and as clear as a nicely cut and chiseled diamond. Yesterday night I clearly saw the logical sequence in events of my life. I should discover it in my early twenties, cutting of ten years of searching my place in the world, mental goose-step and depression.
    Realizing the even most shining truth could be impossible if the mind is covered by different thoughts and mental sideways…
    But we have pay more dear price the later we discover our true self.

    With love,

    Comment by sophiataylor — December 1, 2010 @ 3:48 am

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