Sarahjanus's Blog

November 9, 2010

Am I man or woman?

The insanity of life is often worth mentioning. I have made mention before, of participating in university courses. I’m trying to complete a degree program. The insanity of that exercise is that I’m retired now so the degree itself will not be of any concrete benefit. I returned to the program when I retired, because I promised myself I would. I quit the program when I was working because I couldn’t manage work and the schooling. Working towards the degree when I was still employed was supposed to give me a “leg-up” in the competitive promotional process. I had the educational component looked after but I never managed the political side of things.

All the “silver lining” people out there will be saying that I can congratulate myself for returning to undone business and finishing it. But the degree itself is not the subject of this blog.

One of the exercises in a course recently completed was an introspective essay based on the theories of behaviour studied. The essay was worth over 1/3 of the total mark for the course. I put what I thought was a decent effort into the work.

I know what my mental state is. I am no longer confident that I am a male. I may be a “woman at heart”. This is a state of mind that has flowed from the urge to cross-dress. As the cross-dressing progressed so did the gender confusion. What I’m not sure about is the why of it. Is it because I truly believe that I am a woman living in a man’s body? Or is it because I so detest my male life and behaviour, that I want to commit the ultimate escape of changing my sex. Then I can deny my history and my mistakes, and start fresh.

My libido is next to non-existent. This is a fact that I live with every day. I have no urge to engage in sex with my wife. She has adapted and accommodated my short-comings so far, but she warns that sex is an integral part of her drives and it must be.

My wife is a beautiful woman and a beautiful person, I would dearly love to have her as a friend, woman to woman. She has made it clear, in the conversations about sex, that she doesn’t want a room-mate. She wants a man as her partner. If (or when) I am exposed as a cross-dresser, latent homosexual, potential transsexual, I’m sure it will mean the end of this relationship. This relationship doesn’t have the strength to be that flexible.

In completing a variety of personality quizzes and in being assessed (at a different point in time) I know of my lack of caring and compassion for others. I know of my conflicting traits of lacking self-confidence but engaging in high risk behaviours. I suffer from clinical depression. I’ve been diagnosed as ADD but high functioning. I’ve been assessed as having a Borderline Personality Disorder. Personally I wonder if further testing might have changed the diagnosis to Schizoid or possibly Schizotypal Disorder.

But enough about me, knowing all these things about myself, I wrote a reasonably accurate introspection. I set out the quizzes I had completed and I “ball-parked” the scores. Honest accuracy might get me barred from the school. I applied the theories and provided my recommendations.

The feedback for the essay complimented me for my use of humor to entertain while still making it clear that I understood the work and could apply it to real-life examples. In spite of the issues I have with self-confidence and self-esteem, I was complimented on the display of confidence apparent throughout the paper, a confidence that was credited with being integral to my success.

I know I’m a bag of broken toys. I also know that I can put on a hell of an act, given a chance to get the lines and cues right. The world doesn’t see it. The world only sees what it expects to see. I could go on acting until I die and no one would ever know the person under the clothes. I can appreciate what actors mean when they talk about taking a role home with them.

Now the question for me to ponder is; what is real? Am I acting when I portray the man or have I slipped a cog, and I’m acting when I cross-dress?

My wife says that I’m never happy. She asks if I know why, or if I know what it would take for me to be happy. I have to answer that I don’t know why and I’m not sure what it would take. Silently I wonder to myself if everyone is entitled to be happy. Is everyone even mentally capable of knowing happiness? Are some of us destined to be morose dark individuals who can only ever look in on the laughter and never be part of it? Or, would I be happy if I could express myself as a woman and all the conflict in my life is due to never being what I should have been?

These are just some thoughts or today. For what it’s worth, I’m leaning towards “I could be happy if I lived as a woman” but nothing in this world is sure except death and taxes, and that’s the easy answer.



  1. Hi Sarah

    As you say there is no easy answer. While you are leaning a particular way, I think it is important to assess your overall current ‘happiness’ with the potential for happiness in a life where you forsake the male part, lose the wife, family?, friends?, start again at retirement age.

    I am not against it, if that is what you feel, but from those I have spoken too, those that really want to have their reality fit their mentality, they seem a lot surer than leaning towards……….

    Tina xx


    Comment by TinaCortina — November 9, 2010 @ 5:49 pm

  2. No one wants to be depressed or in a relationship that is going nowhere. But for many, it is a reality. You seekadvice but I’m sure there are still issues that you are dealing with that may not have come to light. It is surprising when people find out the person they married has held a secret that long and can’t understand why their life isn’t going quite as they planned.

    In the old spy movies, there was always a hidden agenda meant to thwart the efforts of the hero spy. This “secret saboteur” was always someone that no one suspected. The look of shock and amaze on your face and that of the main character was worth the price of the movie.

    Sometimes, the goal of finally being free of your secret life can have a secret saboteur waiting and watching from the wings. At any moment they are poised to strike and topple the apple cart.

    I’lll leave you with this. You’d be interested to find out that the saboteur that threatens your life is YOU.
    Only you can make the decision and only you can control your fate, the cards will fall where they fall. Good Luck

    Comment by Gina S. — November 9, 2010 @ 7:31 pm

  3. Hello Sarah,

    I can only tell my experience. The things you have written are so familiar. Many thoughts of yours wandered here and there in my mind when I lived in my relationship. I acted in my every day, and I have to act for a little more until my gender-change become official. But I got enough of acting; painting false picture about my personality; hiding the girl who really I am in some concrete nuclear bunker.
    I chose the way of expressing my inner self no matter what’s the cost of it. My relationship was not strong enough to endure this. The things you’ve written about your wife fits to my attitude to my ex-girlfriend. We love each other, she has such talents I can only admire. But we can’t live together anymore as a couple.
    After we broke and the desperation passed I collected such experiences which made me happier than I was any time in my past 7 years and relieved me more than anything in my previous life. I found the community I always belonged to but didn’t know about it previously. I find my role n my life I have to fulfill to be happy until the end of my life: I have to become a girlfriend who is true blessing for her boyfriend; a housewife who takes care of her home with pleasure; a mother who raises her few cute and valuable children for the future with unending and unconditional love.
    I’m on my way finding solutions for my life. I’m now heading into some weird or even dangerous situations just to undertake my true personality. I must learn to deal with these situations but I will succeed, I know. I walk my way without crying for the lost happiness, without looking back to my past relationship. As ManOWar said in their song “House of Dead”: “My path is set, I live with no regret”. It’s so weird that a heavy metal song of violent massacre gives me instruction how I manage my life into happiness and loveliness but it does. 🙂
    Don’t take me wrong, I don’t speak against your marriage. Never! But you have to decide which worth you more: your life you lived in the past years, the achievements of your life which could make you pride or a brand new life where you can reach such happiness you’ve never lived. But you can even fail in your new life if you chose that way. No change is without risk. Count the disadvantages of the change, count the possible advantages and estimate the risk. Make a perfect cost-benefit calculation then you should decide with crystal-clear mind.
    It sounds cold, counting and even inhuman behavior but reaching happiness requires some “math”.

    Take care, I’m with you spiritually.

    Comment by sophiataylor — November 11, 2010 @ 2:03 am

  4. You don’t have to label yourself just because society says you have to. Be as you are! Let people love you as you are. And if they don’t, they were not worth the time anyway.

    Be brave, give yourself freedom, and only then will you be truely happy.

    Comment by mostlymad — November 14, 2010 @ 6:52 pm

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