Sarahjanus's Blog

November 3, 2010

Time is my adversary & work must be done

Time is my adversary today. It is one of the few days that everyone has gone off to work in the morning as they are expected to. So it is one of the few days that I have the luxury of dressing completely. I can take my time out of the shower to make sure my shave is close. I can layout my make-up and take my time with the application and I can choose the clothes with the knowledge that I am going to spend the day in them. It has to be something fitted. I have to feel them around me, on me, wrapping me. But later, I have to take it all off and go out to work-related appointments. So I’m relishing the moment.

It is my yoga, to dress in women’s clothing; it brings the same calmness of mind that I expect is the goal for yoga. I’ve tried it but it never clicked for me. I probably wasn’t giving it the effort and focus that it requires and deserves. Regardless, I slip into the same state as I dress. The body relaxes, the breathing is deep and slow, not the quick, shallow breaths that otherwise keep me alive. I’m sure, although I’ve never measured it, that my blood pressure drops and my pulse slows.

Today’s treat is a new pair of gray tights to complement the balloon dress. The shoes are the high (for me) heels. Once dressed, and while working, I will find reasons to get up and get things, so that I can walk about the house in these heels. The balloon dress is loose-fitting but my tuck is in place, another milestone. I’m sure that if I were in leggings, my front would be smooth as is expected. I wore a tuck yesterday while hiking. I was in men’s casual pants so it was invisible to everyone but I knew I was tucked and it stayed in place for an hour long walk. I consider that progress.

With my coffee in hand, I settled in to do some work for my host. I really messed up his month of October. He has very few billable hours. I think I was having a mini-crisis of some sort. It’s too long a post to go into here and now, but for most of October, I was at the forefront. My host was relegated to the background, even when we weren’t dressed. At some point in the last week of the month, I adjusted to the “state of being”.

What I mean is; I can exist, I can continue to be present in greater and greater measures but “the work” still needs to be done. Felicity commented on this when she read one of my earlier posts; how (for me) Sarah wants to do “Sarah” things when she has the opportunity, rather than simply spend her day doing the “same old” for the host. If Sarah is going to be present for the greater number of waking hours, then Sarah has to do the work. In the real world, the work still needs to be done. The mental adjustment is that the work cannot be thought of as “the host’s work”. It is Sarah’s work, done in the host’s name. It pays the bills and it buys my clothes. So it is my work and it needs to be done by me.

Another little side-note to all those who think that they are successfully deceiving their spouses; my wife has always said that I have two voices on the phone, (when she’s listening to me talk to others). I have my man voice and I have my woman voice. According to her, I talk to men with my man voice and women with my woman’s voice. I always thought she was hearing weirdly, but, recently she has raised an eyebrow when I’m on the phone because my woman’s voice has become the predominant. She commented that I am speaking more softly, less aggressively, not as commanding or directive. Something for you to consider when you think you are getting away with it..

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