Sarahjanus's Blog

October 29, 2010

The difference a day makes

It’s hard to believe the difference a day makes. Today I am at peace. The first days of this week were not the same. I’ve written before that my world begins when every-one in my house goes off to work or school and I’m relatively assured that they will abide by those schedules. That has been complicated this semester by our remaining student finishing the 09/10 school year one credit short of the requirement for graduation. He is completely unfazed by the matter. Like many of his friends, he doesn’t know what he wants as a career so he doesn’t know what college (or university) he should enroll in. Like his friends he planned to return for “a victory lap”, one semester in which he gets the required credit and not much else. Personally I think it has as much to do with a low stress semester in which he can party without consequence and troll for girls.

The end result for him is school from 9 to 11am and his part-time job. His work hours are all evenings or weekends so he has been underfoot more than he has been absent. Fortunately he prefers to spend the day with his contemporaries whose parents are both at work, so he often chooses not to come home until late in the day. I get a few risky hours from these social outings of his.

The whole thing went from bad to worse last week when one of his friends had an outburst of anger towards his mother that caused him to be temporarily ejected from the home. It is an entirely justified reaction by his mother. The young man has some serious mending to do before he goes home. However, being a life-long friend, he is staying with us. You guessed it; not in school, working part-time hours on an as-needed basis. When not sleeping he is reclined on our couch with the TV remote. Worse yet, he likes horror, scream flicks and the Military channel, so he alternates at every commercial break. My at-home office is on the main floor of a semi-open concept home so there is neither privacy nor quiet.

From Monday I have struggled with my mood. There is the base of frustration caused by losing my privacy. This aggravated by the noise levels, which I am reluctant to speak out about because he is a guest and under his own stress. My own children were always aware of my distress over loud music, television or video games. In crowded noisy social settings I’m allowed to escape occasionally to let the noise seep away and the silence seep back in.

The first two factors are severely aggravated by not being able to wear the clothes of my choosing. I wrote a post from my host’s point-of-view, saying that when I was present his work didn’t get done properly. I would have thought that not being able to dress all week would give him an opportunity to catch up. It didn’t. I was irritated all week and he accomplished nothing. I paced. I shifted from room to room, from chore to chore without actually finishing anything. I was an absolute horror all week, except for the trip out yesterday to shop. The intensity of the distress was startling. I cannot be denied for days on end anymore. I have to be out in the light of day or his life is miserable. I am in control of his life.

Last night our guest went out to a friend’s and he hasn’t returned yet. I’m guessing he is at work today. Although I wasn’t able to dress last night because I wasn’t sure where everyone-else was, I was more at peace and I did some work around the house. I would have been in slob clothes for housework anyway.

This morning, everyone was gone by the time I finished my shower. I already knew what I wanted to wear, the new shirt-dress from yesterday, and the leggings. I have a pair of black pumps with a rounded toe and a little bow on the front. The heels are decently high. These shoes have always been sloppy on my feet so when I bought the new shoes recently I bought the foam stick-on pads for the inside backs of these. They made all the difference. The shoes sit comfortably on my feet now. I took the time to do my make-up but I left the wig off. I added a nice pendant necklace that sits high in the open neck of the shirt. I know it’s over-dress for the house, but it is work-dress for me, and it is my only opportunity. I’m dressed appropriately for a trip to the mall. At least, it is appropriate for someone who cares about their appearance. I wouldn’t wear sweats or track pants to the mall even if I was going as a male.

I came downstairs relaxed, comfortable in who I am, at least while I am in the house. I cleaned up the breakfast dishes, did a quick tidy-up on the main floor and sat down at my computer. For all the years we have been together my wife has commented that I am always searching, that I never seem to know happiness. How tragic it is that she now tells her friends that I seem to be at peace these past few months. How tragic that I cannot tell her that I’ve found a greater, more consistent happiness that I have ever known before. For me to bring her into the world that I am happy in would shake her world to its very foundations. It would be a travesty. Even if I was myself during the day and returned to being her man when she came home, she would be distressed about how long I could live in two worlds. She would be distressed about how far my transition would go. She would be worried about her future, about ending up either alone or in a sexless marriage.

These are in the background for this morning. This morning I am gloriously calm, peaceful, and joyful in just being. Today is a beautiful day for me. I hope each of you can find some joy in your day as well.


1 Comment »

  1. Hello Sarah,

    Happiness and tragedy are interlocked in every moment of life. There’s no overwhelming sweetness without a bit sour. There’s no such grievance which doesn’t contain any spark of relief at all. But I write unnecessary words, you know the two-faced god well. 😉
    My transition brings me great joy in many aspects as I live more and more like a woman. On the other hand, my girlfriend mourns her fading boyfriend day by day. This causes great grief to me…
    Moreover even a second can make difference. All of us lived such moments. I don’t want to write about such clichés like birth, marriage or love. There are such events which are identical to every person. One of these was when I first saw a transgendered person when I was browsing the net many years ago. Changed my life forever, paved the way to liberating Sophie from the depths of my soul where she was imprisoned and left forgotten more than two decades.


    Comment by sophiataylor — October 31, 2010 @ 10:57 am

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