Sarahjanus's Blog

October 28, 2010

I’m not the same as the other boys,

This is not a new thought, nor is it the first time I’ve mentioned it. Today I just want to explain it. The thought came back to me as I was driving through town on my way to a mall that is miles from where I would normally shop. I have been dispatched on a mission; to acquire an elusive size 10 top that is without a stitching error in the front shoulder seam. Most men would probably rebel or at least resist the request. It’s going to be nearly an hour of driving each way. I’m not the same as the other boys. I went willingly because it gave me a chance to shop in mainstream outlets far-away from home. I gave some thought last night and this morning to going “en femme” but that’s another story. Suffice to say, I didn’t.

The main road out-of-town to the highway is under construction. Today, they are paving, so traffic is sent weaving through rows of pylons like some downhill slalom for drivers. And just like the sport itself, some of us are good at slalom and others can’t quite see the line, which results in them either going really slowly or driving off the path and into the construction. The latter is much to the consternation of the green glowing workers who would like to go home at the end of the day. The former is much to the frustration of those of us who can see the line and the sweeping second-hand on the dash clocks of our cars. I am one of the former.

My difference lies in my own comparison with the laborers on the construction site. Dressed for the Canadian outdoors, quilted coveralls, banded with green reflective safety strips, liners under their construction hats, gloves for their hands, they have a rough-hewn quality about them that I once aspired to. I never worked in construction but I enjoy being outside working and when I dressed for the fall or winter, I felt manly, ready to go and hew wood or draw water. With worn jeans on my slender frame, tucked into high lace-up work boots, and gloves, folded and strategically placed in the back pocket of my jeans, I stirred more than one woman to bat her eyelashes and sashay by.

Unfortunately it wasn’t real. I would come back in the house, looking for something comfortable and in hindsight, gender neutral. It was all part of my life according to expectations.

Now I look at construction workers, truck drivers, gas station attendants and I accept that I am not like them. My sex drive has diminished as my cross-dressing has flourished. My wife is not happy. I look at “the men” I cross paths with and wonder why it is that they are comfortable being rough-edged, rough-spoken, and chauvinistic. I wonder what it is like to look at a woman and feel a “stirring in your loins”. I wonder what it feels like to be quickly aroused at the sight of a naked woman, your penis erect and ready. These days I rely on drugs, thank goodness for Viagra. The job gets done but it is without passion, it is function and release.

If ever freed from the bounds (not bonds) of this relationship, I would probably explore homosexuality as an alternative. I don’t have a physical yearning for sex with a man but I do have a chest-tightening, stomach-tingling desire to be loved as a woman by a man. On the other hand, perhaps, if I walk down this path, unencumbered by expectations and fear of judgments I may find that I am destined to be chaste, unable to bring a meaningful libido to any intimate relationship.

Post-script; The store I was sent to had the right top, and the store next door (Reitman’s) had a denim shirt-dress in my size that will look wonderful over black leggings. It was on sale and I couldn’t pass it up, so I have another new top.

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3 Comments »

  1. Hi Sarah

    Yes it is good to get away from our local shops and shop for something for our female side. I prefer to do so when dressed and actually went out this Tuesday, bought a couple of things for me (Tina) and some early Christmas presents for my wife, tops/jumpers that I hope she will like.

    But I don’t do it often. I look forward to hearing your ‘but that’s anohter story’ when you are ready.

    Like you, I’ve never aspired to be those macho road worker types you mention. My main problem is that I’ve not been willing to trade insults, do the changing room ‘banter’, swearing, denigrating women that many of my male acquaintances seem to enjoy.

    Interesting that you feel that you might want to be attractive as Sarah (to men and/or others). I have never been attracted to men, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want a pleasant conversation or reaction from them them.

    I wonder how much you might hanker for a strong women that was prepared to treat you as a woman. If you had that, you might lose the gay fantasies, who knows.

    Anyway, always a good read and thanks for commenting on my own blog.

    Hugs Tina x

    TinaCortina xx
    http://tinacortina.wordpress.com/

    Comment by TinaCortina — October 28, 2010 @ 2:34 pm

  2. Dear god, this seems all too familiar : O. I feel exactly the same way. I also have a strongly diminished sex-drive and I also have a strong desire to be loved as a woman (and personally I think only a man can fulfil that desire Tina. That’s the case with me at least). Though, I have to say, I still find women more arousing and attractive. But still, I have fantasized about intercourse with men and more and more they are starting to focus on intimate and loving sex. Not just of the functional kind.

    Love,
    Felicity

    Comment by Felicity — October 28, 2010 @ 3:22 pm

  3. Our little company seems to gather here. 🙂

    Let’s focus on the topic: I felt as you wrote about yourself in all of my life. I was always the shy, intellectual kind of boy. Until I realized that I never was an actual boy.
    My sexual drive lessened in the recent months. I don’t mind it; moreover I’m happy about it.
    But I differ from you in one aspect. I’ve felt strong physical desire to be loved by a man since female hormones run in my veins. This is rather strange to me, as I found all men displeasing previously, myself at the 1st place. Now I find some man not just handsome or kind but really NICE… and my sexuality flares up for a short time. Then my loyalty for my girlfriend wins over the desires.

    Hugs,
    Sophie

    Comment by sophiataylor — October 28, 2010 @ 4:49 pm


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