Sarahjanus's Blog

October 25, 2010

A little bit about my day and the inside of my mind

I’m alive. In my mind the words are spoken in the shadowy chamber that saw Frankenstein come to life. He lumbered about absorbing stimuli and being amazed before being terrified. It’s just a bit of dramatic illustration to start off my day.

It’s followed by; we’re not alone. I’m not, not today. So I’m in male attire. I have difficulty with the “in drab” phrase used by many, although for most of my days in male attire, it is the most accurate description. If I’m not going out to meetings or appointments, I’m in slouch clothes, loose, shapeless, comfortable, and mismatched. Given the opportunity to dress as a woman, I am quite particular about my combinations of clothes and the neatness of the overall appearance. It is another of the idiosyncrasies of my personality.

I commented on someone-else’s blog earlier this morning and described myself as a crossdressing traditionalist. Even I had to smile at the conundrum that conjured up. It would probably have traditional traditionalists turning over in their graves.

Last week was consumed with completing assignments that were part of a university continuing education program I am enrolled in, followed by a couple of days in class. I had to write extensively and intensively because I am a protagonist. I’m also a procrastinator. So, while I had volunteered to take the lead in much of the research and writing for the groups I was assigned to, I also left a lot of the work until the last moment. Did you roll your eyes and think I’d made a mistake? I’m sure I have, it just wasn’t there.

I had hoped that today being Monday, the house would be empty, and I would be able to dress to my comfort level. I bought a third (new) dress last week and a pair of shoes on the weekend. The sales are killing me; I can’t stay out of the stores. The dress came from a trendy store. Once I got it home and tried it on; I found it to be shorter than I would normally be comfortable with. On the other hand, it is a good fit, very nice on, an Empire line with cap sleeves, a knit with a bit of stretch. My wardrobe is beginning to worry me. I have so much stuff squirreled away that I’m bound to make a mistake and leave something out.

Did I mention that I’m adult ADD? Yeah. My safety net when I’m not being secretive is to tell people that I’m going to overlook one or two significant details in pretty much anything I do. So, if they are working collaboratively with me, it’s in their best interests to proof my work carefully and not assume that I’m as careful as I am productive.

The house is not empty, house guests. They have been here since last week and I thought they were leaving this morning. I was wrong and now I’m frustrated. I have been dressing so regularly and for hours at a time that any change in the opportunity is resented. Last week I felt so good in my women’s clothes that I had to struggle with myself to not go out the door, get in the car and go to the mall. Clearly I am heading towards a crisis of some description. My self-esteem is so much more positive when I am dressed as a woman, than it is when dressed as a man.

Sitting in a notebook is a reminder to write about the evolution of my cross-dressing. Unlike so many that I read of, my cross-dressing as a youth was next to non-existent. I only had moments throughout my adult life when I would try on women’s clothing. Here I am now, fantasizing about being able to dress as a woman full-time and go out into the world.

In a recent conversation about “bucket lists”, I was taken to task by my wife because my list of “deeds done” was significant. I have dabbled in many fields. The question that she eventually came to was; why aren’t you satisfied with what you’ve done? The answer is probably blatantly obvious to anyone who reads these blogs. I am not satisfied with what I’ve done because I am not satisfied with who I am. I cannot be who I want to be while I remain in this life. So, I am always moving, always changing, never at peace. I am looking for an escape from the life I created for myself when I didn’t recognize who I was as a youth, and instead began to live to the expectations of others. A part of me screams that I want to run away and put all of this behind me but that isn’t completely true. Running away is just the simplest way to completely detach myself from my past and begin anew as a crossdresser with a potential for transitioning.

So, how is your day? Is the sun shining in your world? Actually, the sun shines more often in mine now. The more I realize who I am, the less dark my days are.



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    Comment by cialis fuer die frau — November 3, 2010 @ 7:58 am

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