Sarahjanus's Blog

October 22, 2010

The disadvantage of being a secret

There is a significant disadvantage to writing as a closet crossdresser. While the anonymity allows me to be totally honest, to the point of sometimes being self-contradictory, I can’t write too much about the events in my life outside of cross-dressing for fear I give too much away and reveal myself to some other closet cross-dresser who happens to read the blog.

When I retired I began a blog about my daily life, nothing particularly meaningful, just the day-to-day stuff. One of the goals was to find something positive to relate in every day. It was intended to be a way of off-setting the negative outlook associated with my long-established depression. The blog was tied to a Windows Live address that my family knew of. I wasn’t going to push it on them, simply write it and leave it. It was for my family primarily, rather than the public at large, but it wasn’t made private in any way. I didn’t expect many people outside of my family to ever find it.

My wife knew of it and one day, when she wasn’t busy, she read some of it. What I got out of the exercise was a lesson in observation and values. She pointed out how I had under or over estimated a variety of things. She suggested I needed to correct them so that the record was accurate. So much for honest flow, the blog withered like an autumn leaf, which triggered its own set of comments about thin skin etc.

So here I am, happier than I’ve ever been. I am getting a decent amount of private time in a few days of each week, to dress from head to toe and be completely at home in my own skin. I have surprised my wife with words and acts of affection that come more easily as Sarah directs more and more of my day. I have been more emotionally in tune with those around me and more sensitive to what they are going through, for much the same reason.

I have built up a small wardrobe. I added three dresses, nylons and tights this week alone. My storage boxes are full. My wig is becoming much less of a wig and far more comfortable with every hour that it’s on.

I don’t have any friends that I can share this with in person. And even if I did, my wife’s suspicious nature being what it is, she would ferret out the root cause of any new friendship and cause no end of difficulty. I envy those whose significant others know of their dressing. It must make their world a much easier place. I do get a great deal of pleasure from writing this blog and sharing. I try not to look at the reader numbers. I like to believe it is being shared widely. I also take a great deal of pleasure from even though it is also a cyber-communication and there is no real reason to believe that the other writers are anything like they claim to be. I simply choose to believe they are. That’s the definition of faith; belief in the absence of evidence.

I do find a lot of meaningful communications in the Forum. Often I read a string of posts and don’t reply because my point has been made by someone-else. I think repetition just to see your name on the list is pointless. Again, I envy those in the Forum who are able to get together with each other in person, even if it is only occasionally. It is probably these two envies that will drive me out into the light of day and an open admission of who I am, to my wife.

Coming back to the point of the disadvantage; in the past few weeks I have been participating in a university program. One of the exercises, due in the next few days, is a self-reflection essay based on the material covered. I opened the essay with the comment that my wife has been waiting years for someone to force me into an honest self-assessment, and that she would look forward to reading the final product.

I gave her the next-to-final draft just recently. She hasn’t read it yet, too busy at work. As I waited for her response, I thought to myself, I know who I am much more clearly that I can ever admit. That is a burden that only gets heavier. I yearn to be able to be honest and open with her but I know her reaction will be one of disgust and dismissal.

I can’t claim the credit for the new-found insight; that goes to retirement and the Crossdressers Forum. Retirement allowed me to ease out of living to expectations. It allowed me time to reflect, something I didn’t have in the world of work, shifting priorities and deadlines. The Forum wasn’t the first place I found. I went to a lot of junk sites before I landed at Crossdressers. It is the best I’ve found.

It allowed me to see that I was only one of many, somewhere on a continuum of crossdressing. It allowed me to see that others had the same thoughts and concerns as I did, so that I wasn’t deviant or even particularly unique. I was just one of many. The answers given in response to the uttered worries and concerns of others reinforced my own decisions and rationales, or they opened my eyes to new thoughts, and greater acceptance.

I went to the funeral of a young man this week, the son of longtime friends. He was struck down by an insidious disease before he could fulfill his dreams and ambitions. I had to incorporate that randomness into my evolving personality as Sarah.

Act today, tomorrow may never be.


1 Comment »

  1. Hello again Sarah

    I have found your blog very readable and am trying to visit regularly, but haven’t had time to read your older ones because you write so often!!

    I can see that you are definitely enjoying retirement.

    Like you I write a blog and hope that someone out there in the ether can be bothered to read it. Numbers are not important, but the views and comments are indicative as to wether others are on your wavelength. There are some such as Jessica-who who seem to write every day and more importantly fi9nd something interesting to write about.

    There are others like me that write when time and inclination allows. You at least have the time! And lots now to fill the blog with.

    Relating to your first paragraph. Would it really matter if another cross-dresser that knew you found your page. With a bit of luck you would have a ready-made friend to share your interests even if the concerns of your wife would make that difficullt.

    I post a lot of pics. And many are in our house. The kitchen is especially recognisable if anyone that knew me stumbled across my blog. And of course if they find the blog or name they could google TinaCortina and it would open up my whole world.

    But then I tend to think that those that might find me are either interested in the subject matter and potential friends or there is a very remote chance that one of my kids or friends might find me. If that happened, they either ignore it or they bring it to my attention. If the latter, I would still be hopeful for a good outcome. If not, well I would just have to deal with it.

    If you ever hopeful to ever ‘step outside the door’ you will have to take a chance. Although I recognise that you are very fearful of your wife’s reaction if she ‘found out.’

    But if you say that you want to ‘Act today’, you mustn’t be too fearful of the consequences or you would never do anything ~ famous last words, perhaps.

    I think that by nature Crossdressers are either introspective and write a blog, or they are very extrovert and they are mostly too busy out there enjoying themselves to write. So I guess for the most part you will have to put up with comments from those more introverted like me.

    Have fun

    Tina x

    TinaCortina xx

    Comment by TinaCortina — October 22, 2010 @ 12:21 pm

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