Sarahjanus's Blog

October 13, 2010

Adultery explained

I bought another dress yesterday. It’s from Le Chateau. It is very fitted, something that I didn’t think I would like. I wasted a good bit of the afternoon taking pictures of myself so that I could post them somewhere that others could see them and comment. This is another facet of my personality that is different from my host. He wore clothes and never cared how they looked or if anybody noticed or commented.

                              I, on the other hand, want to be noticed and admired. It is another of the dichotomies of cross-dressing. On the one hand I want to dress as a woman and blend. On the other, I want people to notice my new clothes, to see how pretty they are, to see how well they fit me and how they make me look. They make me feel beautiful on the inside and I want people to see that on my face, in my attitude.

                              The snug fit from shoulder to knee was novel. I reveled in it. I have to learn how to “zip up” and unzip the back zipper. Aside from never having had to learn the technique, (& being a closet-dresser, there’s no “honey can you zip me”), at my age I lack the flexibility to reach over and down or, around and up.  Hints, anyone?

                              In spite of the new dress, I spent an hour today on e-bay, looking at the on-line listings for dresses. I shop willingly and happily. My host never did.

                              A family gathering for (Canadian) Thanksgiving led to another realization, another step along the road to understanding me better. As a male, I engaged in a lengthy litany of bad behaviours. Many of the bad behaviours were affairs, infidelities. As the affairs were exposed, I was always asked why. My spouse (both) always wanted to know what was missing in my chosen relationship that led me to commit adultery. I’m trying to be factual and to the point by using words like adultery, and infidelity. I have been accused in the past of letting myself of the hook, so to speak, in the non-committal words I used. Apparently I side-stepped the seriousness of the act by under-stating or being evasive. If I do that here, draw it to my attention. I need to accept responsibility.

                              My infidelity has made my wife (rightfully) suspicious so when we’re out in the company of others, she is watching for any signs of old habits and behaviours. There is one sister (among a number of sisters) who has been inappropriately flirtatious. I have always enjoyed this sister’s company. According to my wife, I enjoy it too much, so there has been conflict. Over the course of the dinner, as I watched all of the social activity, it dawned on me that my attraction to this sister isn’t sexual, and never was. I adore the way she dresses. She has a definite sense of style and is always fashionable but in her own way. I would dress the way she does if I dressed full time. I admire the way she engages people in conversation, the way she speaks her mind without too much concern for social correctness. I would be like her if I could.

                              As I thought about this over the remainder of the evening, I realized that I (Sarah) wanted to be her friend. I want to shop with her. We could coach each other on buy, don’t buy. She has the same conservative style as me in terms of necklines and hemlines but she is far more adventurous with fabric and color than I am at the moment. Although, lately I have been moving away from the blacks and grays that my host wore and that I bought out of habit when I began buying my own clothes. Now I go looking for bright colors or “statement” clothes.

                              I have convinced myself that of all my family members, on both sides, she is the one that would be most accepting. She is the one that would most easily adapt to the new me and she would be the most supportive. I sense in her a kindred spirit. If I was going to share my secret with anybody beyond my wife, it would be her. I’ve read that women consider emotional infidelity as significant as, and possibly more significant than the physical act. That said, I can see that any relationship with this sister is completely out-of-bounds. It is just nice to know, in my own mind, what the motivation was and still is.

                              I have been asked how my affairs started and my answer was always; I was looking for a friend. The sarcastic response to that is usually something to do with ending up in bed with your friends. In my own mind, I always knew that I never intended to go there. I just didn’t control the events. I let them happen. It is still my fault but my initial response was and is true. I was looking for a friend, but I was looking for a girl-friend. The girl in me was looking for a friend, someone to chat with, to share with, and to be natural with. I couldn’t do that in my marital relationship because I was a male and had to continue that role. My first answer about friendship was true but was never accepted because my partner thought I was looking for a male/female friendship. The retort I always got was, find a male friend. I have very few of those, next to none. I don’t enjoy the company of men the same way as I enjoy the company of women.

                              I didn’t go looking for sex because I am not good at sex. I don’t have the touch, the patience or sense to read my partner and adjust what I’m doing or how quickly I’m progressing. Sex for me is an expectation, not an anticipation. But in the milieu of extra-marital affairs, conversation and stolen time is simply a prelude to illicit sex. Like my entire life as a male, husband, parent, I have played a role and tried to meet expectations. Even as an adulterer I was meeting someone-else’s expectations. I wasn’t being me.

                              Most of my illicit sexual encounters were one time occurrences. This is something-else that I have been quizzed on repeatedly. Why only once? Is that a lie? The answer is, it is the truth. My illicit partners quickly realized they had hooked up with a dud and quickly cut back the time and energy they were prepared to invest.

                              This is a classic “out of the frying pan & into the fire”. I can finally provide an explanation for my adulterous behaviour. An explanation that is truthful and sound, but in doing so, I have to reveal that I am a cross-dresser, that at the very least I suffer from gender dysphoria, at the worst I am a transsexual (in the context of ‘one who completely identifies with the opposite sex). My dictionary defines transvestite as one who seeks sexual pleasure from wearing clothes of the opposite sex, and for me, it is not sexual.

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4 Comments »

  1. Hello,

    The situation seems to repeat itself person by person. My girlfriend looks at me with suspicion when I try to start a new friendship with someone else. The gender of the other is not a factor, she is suspicious on anyone.
    It’s my own fault basically, as I had an ill-fated friendship with a crossdresser which turned to a foolish love. The whole relationship was an extended e-mail correspondence without any physical contact. My girlfriend reckoned the affair as serious as it would have been physical however, like you’ve written. The shadow of infidelity is always surrounds me since then.

    You aren’t alone. We are bound to deal with controversial situations due to our dual nature over and over again.

    Hugs,
    Sophie

    Comment by sophiataylor — October 16, 2010 @ 9:18 am

    • Sophie, Thanks for the message. Sharing these issues makes us realize we are not so unique, we are not alone and we can work through them as others have. Sarah..,

      Comment by Sarah Michelle — October 18, 2010 @ 11:33 am

  2. Hi Sarah

    I think many of us have a specific ‘girl’ fantasy figure. It sounds like yours is your sister. I guess mine is my wife. You then see them wearing something and you want to wear it yourself. You want to be like them. You’d like to go shopping together and give your opinion and receive theirs.

    Fortunately it is something I have done with my wife, though only once or twice. Still I do get the chance to spend evenings in with her and we do chat a lot about our likes/dislikes.

    Regards the zip. If you really can’t reach try a metal coat hanger.

    Cheers

    Tina x
    http://tinacortina.wordpress.com/

    Comment by TinaCortina — October 18, 2010 @ 7:34 am

    • Tina, I’m sure you’re right about my sister being an “ideal’ to be aspired to. That sums it up quite nicely. As for the dresses and the zip, it turns out they both have enough stretch to go on over my head with a bit of a wiggle. But thanks for the tip, I also seem to remember some kind of a specific little gadget for doing the same thing. Either way, as long as the dress goes on, before the wig and make-up its not too difficult. Sarah..,

      Comment by Sarah Michelle — October 18, 2010 @ 11:30 am


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