Sarahjanus's Blog

October 5, 2010

If the clothes fit … wear’em!

Darn, here we are again. By the time the laptop booted up, I had forgotten what the point was that I wanted to capture. I left off today writing about the sheer and unadulterated pleasure of being dressed. The multi-faceted nature of my career has required/allowed me to dress in a range of male styles over the years. I have worn moderately expensive trendy suits. I have dressed in open neck shirts and dress pants, and I’ve dressed casually. The point being; I have covered the range of male outfits. All of the styles went on and came off without ever feeling like they fit me.

In retrospect I can identify the ill-fitting clothes as an internal sense rather than an external sensation. I mean that, when a suit didn’t feel right, when a shirt wasn’t comfortable, it wasn’t the fit of the clothes or the “cut of the cloth” or the style, it was that I was wearing male clothing.

Now that I have a small wardrobe of women’s clothing, and I can lay everything out and put together an ensemble for the day, the clothes feel right on my body. I’m not pulling at a shirt collar because it is too restrictive, (by the end, my shirt collars were a size too large because I felt constricted in a buttoned shirt, I would literally get panicky). I’m not shrugging in a suit coat because the shoulders don’t feel right or it doesn’t hang right, I’m not adjusting pants because they’re too heavy, too bulky, too long. Some of these were tailor-made suits and some were off-the-rack then altered, so the fit should have been comfortable. I’m now convinced that the issue was the gender of the clothing.

Skirts, blouses, dresses, bras and pantyhose go on and feel like they fit. I move around in those clothes without even noticing that they’re on. So, when people talk about cross-dressing and talk about the sexual element, the arousal, that’s not me. I cross-dressed all my working life. Now I’m right-dressed.

When I wore a suit, it felt like a costume, somebody-else’s clothes, something required for a role that I had to play. Now I can put on the clothes that are most comfortable and let those clothes give voice to who I really may be.

Quite frankly, these concepts having been giving me some major headaches for the past few weeks, and I mean actual headaches, not figuratively speaking. I wrote at one point that I gave my inner being a name (Sarah) so that I could differentiate the inner from the outer. But when the clothes match the inner, the outer personality literally spins, not knowing what to do. I’m not sure that I can put the genie back in the bottle. I’m not sure that I can live with one foot in each world. The Crossdresser Forum is full of threads by people trying to define who they are, people who have exposed themselves to their spouses and set boundaries for the new person in the marriage, people who have decided their gender doesn’t match their sex. I don’t know. I may not be able to turn back. Right now, it’s causing me physical pain to be two people one of whom must remain a secret.


1 Comment »

  1. Hi Sarah

    Now that you have the time to give Sarah the room to express herself it can be overwhelming. The new-found freedom since retirement to do as you please. It also means that the secret is bigger.

    In some relationships, honesty is the most important element and were your wife to ‘find out’ the betrayal might be worse than the actuality.

    On the other hand, I know nothing about your family situation so feel free to throw that comment right back at me.

    Tina x

    Comment by TinaCortina — October 7, 2010 @ 6:53 am

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