Sarahjanus's Blog

October 4, 2010

More of who I am

Filed under: crossdresser — Tags: , , , — Sarah Michelle @ 9:56 am

My journey through life has not been without its pitfalls. I attribute much of that to my lack of understanding myself. I have always been a social chameleon, taking on the colors of my surroundings. I have never liked the person that I was and still am and I’m disappointed in the way I choose to live my life. Not in the path that I took, or the career I choose but in the myriad of value-based decisions that I made along the way. I have done many things that make me a contributing part of the community that I live in.

These are public things but I have done private things that if known would cause embarrassment to me and to my family, not criminal things, not things harmful to children, just your run-of-the-mill adultery, drug use and alcohol abuse. I adopted a philosophy of life that allowed me to rationalize my actions. I espoused that rules of social conduct were simply society’s way of trying to maintain order. As a free thinker, I was free to do as I wished with whoever was willing to join me.  I have shed that philosophy as juvenile and self-serving. I ignored the rule of thumb that if an activity had to be kept secret, it probably wasn’t supposed to occur.

            I have my very own psychological assessment. How many people do you know that have one of those. Some guys buy mid-life motorcycles, I get a psychological assessment. It flowed from a series of therapy sessions intended to repair some of the damage I had caused to my marriage. The therapy was part of the deal to keep me from being thrown out on my a@#. After the first few sessions, my therapist recognized that I was holding back some really significant things. I was locked and blocked and she couldn’t get to the inner me. I wonder why?

            In the past few weeks as I have become more accustomed to my new personality I have thought a lot of going back to my therapist and introducing her to this part of me. I think she could probably do a lot more for me now. I have this fantasy. I would make the appointment to see her and I would cross-dress to go there. I am progressing with my wardrobe. I have more than enough good clothes to dress properly. I have the shoes. I’m missing a good purse but I can work on that before I go. I’m making progress with my make-up so that I don’t look like a circus performer, [not that there’s anything wrong with circus performers, you just shouldn’t be wearing that make-up outside the big top].

            The revelation that I am a cross-dresser, that I am gender dysphoric may be a surprise but I don’t think it will be a shock. She knew there were issues there. She tried to define them but I was in such a state of denial that nobody was getting close to the inner me.

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2 Comments »

  1. Hi Sarah

    For the most part, we in the UK are not used to having therapists, but I can see the need especially if you have somthing you would like to tell someone but you have no-one to tell.

    The fantasy is wonderful. To go out dressed is a wonderful feeling… and to have people accepting you.

    You don’t have to go see your therapist. Make contact with some CD groups in your area.

    Hugs
    Tina x
    http://tinacortina.wordpress.com/

    Comment by TinaCortina — October 7, 2010 @ 7:04 am

    • Hi Tina,
      I’m not a great fan of therapists. My bad behaviour through two marriages caused me to meet a few, none of whom were able to help me, probably because I wasn’t ready. I would like to go back to the last one though because she seemed truly sincere in her distress that she wasn’t able to break through my blocking. I think I’d feel good giving her another chance to help me. And I’d like her to meet Sarah.

      Comment by Sarah Michelle — October 7, 2010 @ 9:58 am


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