Sarahjanus's Blog

October 3, 2010

Another day, a positive approach

Filed under: crossdresser, sexual identity — Tags: , , — Sarah Michelle @ 4:49 pm

Part 1

            The material that I have written in the past couple of days has been a bit weepy. I’m going to try and change that. I’m going to ask any kind readers to help me with that. I’ve added a new side page with the request laid out so that it doesn’t disappear from easy access. My challenge to anyone who reads this is to challenge what I write and force me to think more deeply.

            There are two reasons for this shift in approach. The first is my own recognition of the weepiness that I was drifting into and my own desire to be more positive. The second has been triggered by a self-assessment assignment I am involved in through a continuing education course. The scores have been a wake-up call. In the Five Factor Model of Personality I am almost absent from the quiz in four of the five but head of the class in neuroticism.

            This then is my affirmation. I am a weird duck; there are no two ways about it. I didn’t ask to be this way and it causes me no end of distress that I am. Although retired, I was once successfully employed, promoted through a series of positions, apparently well-regarded by my subordinates and respected by my peers and superiors. For that I am thankful. To achieve that, I had to model the corporate behaviour, expectations and image for my entire life. I don’t regret doing that. It provided well for me and my family.

            But clearly, I have some deep issues that continue to influence my current behaviour as well as having contributed to some past errors in judgment. The removal of “structure” that occurred through retirement has allowed me to un-wind some of the tightly wrapped public personality and allow some of the inner being to creep out, squinting in the light after so many years in the dark. I cross-dress. I am a cross-dresser and I am exploring the uniqueness of myself.

            The inner being has a name. I adopted the name so that I could try and manage her separately from the public being. I am Sarah. I didn’t research the name before I adopted it. I mulled over a few but Sarah flowed from my lips and sat easily in my mind. I took a surname because Sarah is without family.  I adopted Janus. To quote Wikipedia,

“in Roman mythology Janus is the god of gates, doors, doorways, beginnings and endings … He is most often depicted as having two faces (or heads) facing in opposite directions. These heads were believed to look into both the future and the past”.

            I thought it was rather fitting. So here I am Sarah Michelle Janus, the embodiment of something that has lived repressed for an entire lifetime. I’m going to continue this blog and subject but I’m going to post it in sections so as to not over-whelm any prospective readers. Thank you for reading this far.


1 Comment »

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    Comment by bet365 italia — October 4, 2010 @ 9:20 pm

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