Sarahjanus's Blog

July 6, 2010

The Dog Days of Summer

Filed under: crossdresser, shopping, travel — Tags: , — Sarah Michelle @ 5:12 pm

Ripping off a book and movie title is probably not an auspicious opening for a mediocre blog. We [the social, inclusive we] are in the midst of our first heat wave of the summer. The temperature is predicted to exceed 34 degrees C. Thank goodness for air conditioning, especially for those of us that work from home. Although I could see myself in a summer dress on the patio sipping mint julep and fanning myself to avoid “exuding”, that isn’t going to happen.

Yesterday circumstances worked in my favor in that I had the house to myself for a reasonable and defined period of time. I was able to put on a skirt and a t-shirt top for most of the day, along with a bit of eye make-up, just because. I don’t usually go as far as make-up because I am the only one who sees me. I have been experimenting with it though so I am more comfortable adding a little for effect. I just have to remember to remove it before anyone attentive arrives home. Like carrying a purse, wearing it out is based on my determination for the day and where I’m going.

Back to the point, it was a very comfortable day being dressed. It is the most relaxed place that I know of. I had another week away, which meant no opportunity to dress in anything other than male clothing. Those days are the most frustrating, the ones where I know that there is absolutely no chance of “slipping into something comfortable”. Those days are also very challenging for keeping my secret. The stress of not being able to dress exhibits itself in the delusion that I could “come out” to my wife and we could live happily ever after. Unfortunately that would not be the case. I’ve written before about my wife’s thoughts on men and make-up, and men in women’s clothing. She has no visible capacity for accepting that kind of behaviour.

I also know that once armed with the information that I cross-dress, she would not hesitate to use it as a bludgeon when she felt like it. Part of my life has been sufficiently confused that I’m prescribed Concerta and Wellbutrin. Any time that I have an angry outburst I get slapped with comments like; “Miss your meds today?” I can only imagine the beating that I would take over cross-dressing. All of this is without factoring in our abysmal sex life, all of which is already my fault and the exposure of cross-dressing would trigger all kinds of accusations and suspicions. Even if my disclosing my cross-dressing were enough to cause an end to this relationship, she would be angry enough at being forced out into the harsh world that she would be merciless in every venue. There would be no opportunity for me to quietly separate and live alone with my predilection.

Closing the circle again, even though we were away from home and I knew that dressing would not be a possibility, I still decided to pack a skirt and two tops. The risk was significant, but the return, surprisingly was too. I took a certain comfort from knowing that my clothes were close and if I needed to, I could touch them, refold them and wish. Add to that, we went shopping in new venues while we were away. I had the opportunity to wander through racks and racks of  women’s clothes. I got to handle them, pull out suggestions and go find the pieces that worked with them. My wife came out of the store with a bag full of new clothes, happy that she had new clothes and happy that I had shopped cooperatively with her.

All in all, the trip away wasn’t bad. I long for the days went I can dress the way I want and spend time developing my style and my make-up, but all in all life isn’t so bad.

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