Sarahjanus's Blog

June 28, 2010

The Eye of the Storm

Filed under: crossdresser, lingerie, sexual identity, shopping — Tags: , , , — Sarah Michelle @ 2:24 pm

Monday June 28, 2010, Living in frustration, but I don’t know the name of the street or the number of the house. I guess it’s more of an encampment than an organized town. I know I’m not alone but I don’t know many of the people here. Through the fog that enshrouds the encampment I can communicate with others using the Crossdressers.com Forum; I know there are others out there.

The saga of lost privacy continues. Now it looks like it is here to stay for the summer. The lone remaining child-at-home is finished school for the summer and his summer job is three shifts a week if he’s (I’m) lucky. The rest of the time he hangs around the house eating and playing video games. I expected him to sleep in this morning because he does 99 days out of a 100 but this morning he was motivated to get out of bed and complete the household chores that he hadn’t paid any attention to all weekend.

The situation has driven me to under-dressing, something that I never did before. I had planned to wear a skirt and top today if he had slept in but no such luck. I needed to feel feminine somehow, so under-dressing it is, with just a touch of mascara to aid the feeling.

Yesterday I ended up shopping with my SO in a mall that I usually shop in for Sarah, although I shop in drab. I have always tried to shop for Sarah in locations that I am unlikely to return to in drab and with my SO but life being what it is, we were bound to cross paths at some point.

We spent some time, (happy time for me) shopping in La Senza for a gift for an adult female. I’ve been through this store a number of times searching for feel-good loungewear for myself but I don’t usually get to discuss the inventory with anyone. The store clerks are only interested in defining who I’m looking for so that they can speed me to the purchase they think I need to make. I haven’t yet had the nerve to tell a clerk that I’m buying for myself. On the other hand, this is the mall with the Jones New York store in which the store attendant offered for me to try my selections on before I bought.

I know that the clerks aren’t trying to rush me out of the store but they hover and make my shop less comfortable. Interestingly, when I buy man’s clothing it is a much quicker process. I look, I choose, I try on for size and I either buy or leave. When I’m shopping for Sarah, I look at nearly everything. I check for design features that work for me and those that don’t. I feel the material and wondered what it is going to feel like on, how it is going to hang, flow, fall. I turn it and look at the front and the back. I hang it so that I can see it from a distance. I think through my wardrobe for similar clothes, similar colours, (I have too much black) and what I will be able to wear with it. I would love to be able to take an armful of clothes into a dressing room and try them on before I bought them. It would save me so much time in returns. There aren’t many things that I have been correct about in the first pick. Skirts have gone back because size 12 here is not the same as size 12 there.

Anyway back to the point of this ramble; the time spent in La Senza was quite enjoyable because my SO and I were looking for different things which meant that what I found and offered was usually rejected but rejected with a reason. So I got to handle lots of sexy pretty clothes, pajamas, lingerie, beach cover-ups and I got to talk about them with someone even if the outfits weren’t for me. I left the store felling quite buoyant.

And before anyone jumps in and says I should go shopping with my SO for my SO in La Senza, I’m not sexually aroused by lingerie as much as I admire the beauty that it brings. If I went shopping with my SO for my SO it would lead to expectations that I wouldn’t be able to fulfill. Sex would happen but it wouldn’t be enhanced by her lingerie and that would lead to disappointment on her part, more questioning of herself, more insecurity and more questions about my sex drive and orientation.

When I look at a well-dressed woman who carries herself well, I don’t think about f*^king her, I want to be her. I want the beauty, the grace, the style. Hence the screwy secret world that I live in.

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