Sarahjanus's Blog

June 28, 2010

The Eye of the Storm

Filed under: crossdresser, lingerie, sexual identity, shopping — Tags: , , , — Sarah Michelle @ 2:24 pm

Monday June 28, 2010, Living in frustration, but I don’t know the name of the street or the number of the house. I guess it’s more of an encampment than an organized town. I know I’m not alone but I don’t know many of the people here. Through the fog that enshrouds the encampment I can communicate with others using the Crossdressers.com Forum; I know there are others out there.

The saga of lost privacy continues. Now it looks like it is here to stay for the summer. The lone remaining child-at-home is finished school for the summer and his summer job is three shifts a week if he’s (I’m) lucky. The rest of the time he hangs around the house eating and playing video games. I expected him to sleep in this morning because he does 99 days out of a 100 but this morning he was motivated to get out of bed and complete the household chores that he hadn’t paid any attention to all weekend.

The situation has driven me to under-dressing, something that I never did before. I had planned to wear a skirt and top today if he had slept in but no such luck. I needed to feel feminine somehow, so under-dressing it is, with just a touch of mascara to aid the feeling.

Yesterday I ended up shopping with my SO in a mall that I usually shop in for Sarah, although I shop in drab. I have always tried to shop for Sarah in locations that I am unlikely to return to in drab and with my SO but life being what it is, we were bound to cross paths at some point.

We spent some time, (happy time for me) shopping in La Senza for a gift for an adult female. I’ve been through this store a number of times searching for feel-good loungewear for myself but I don’t usually get to discuss the inventory with anyone. The store clerks are only interested in defining who I’m looking for so that they can speed me to the purchase they think I need to make. I haven’t yet had the nerve to tell a clerk that I’m buying for myself. On the other hand, this is the mall with the Jones New York store in which the store attendant offered for me to try my selections on before I bought.

I know that the clerks aren’t trying to rush me out of the store but they hover and make my shop less comfortable. Interestingly, when I buy man’s clothing it is a much quicker process. I look, I choose, I try on for size and I either buy or leave. When I’m shopping for Sarah, I look at nearly everything. I check for design features that work for me and those that don’t. I feel the material and wondered what it is going to feel like on, how it is going to hang, flow, fall. I turn it and look at the front and the back. I hang it so that I can see it from a distance. I think through my wardrobe for similar clothes, similar colours, (I have too much black) and what I will be able to wear with it. I would love to be able to take an armful of clothes into a dressing room and try them on before I bought them. It would save me so much time in returns. There aren’t many things that I have been correct about in the first pick. Skirts have gone back because size 12 here is not the same as size 12 there.

Anyway back to the point of this ramble; the time spent in La Senza was quite enjoyable because my SO and I were looking for different things which meant that what I found and offered was usually rejected but rejected with a reason. So I got to handle lots of sexy pretty clothes, pajamas, lingerie, beach cover-ups and I got to talk about them with someone even if the outfits weren’t for me. I left the store felling quite buoyant.

And before anyone jumps in and says I should go shopping with my SO for my SO in La Senza, I’m not sexually aroused by lingerie as much as I admire the beauty that it brings. If I went shopping with my SO for my SO it would lead to expectations that I wouldn’t be able to fulfill. Sex would happen but it wouldn’t be enhanced by her lingerie and that would lead to disappointment on her part, more questioning of herself, more insecurity and more questions about my sex drive and orientation.

When I look at a well-dressed woman who carries herself well, I don’t think about f*^king her, I want to be her. I want the beauty, the grace, the style. Hence the screwy secret world that I live in.

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June 11, 2010

Wife at home means no cross-dressing

Filed under: crossdresser — Sarah Michelle @ 2:11 am

My S.O. has been off work for the past few weeks. I’ll skip the details for the moment for the obvious reason of trying not to identify myself through the innocuous details that slip into every-one’s day-to-day conversations. Suffice to say that it has been 5 weeks since I have been alone. I think that even in an ordinary relationship, a sudden shift from one working outside the home and the other working from the home, to both home and one trying to work from home, is going to cause problems and require time for adjustment.

In my case it has caused Sarah to have to go back inside my head and stay there far longer than she is happy with. I’ve stumbled along for the past few months with the opportunities resulting from my S.O. being at work and me being home. I’m fairly comfortable during the day, believing that she is unlikely to leave work and make a surprise visit home. We have one child still at home. He is in high school and recently crossed over the magic boundary that allows him to sign himself in and out of school, so I’m never entirely sure when he may appear in the doorway. It is further complicated by his friends, one by one, acquiring access to vehicles so that they are no longer dependent on the bus. How I miss being able to count on the bus. How I long for the near future when he moves out of the house to go to college. I will regain my sanctuary.

My wardrobe has been growing slowly and causing me ever greater problems keeping it hidden and wearable. Dresses don’t fold well, and shoes take up a lot of room when they’re in a storage box. I have a dress that is a bad fit, something that is typical for women’s clothing on a man’s frame. My chest is not proportionate to my waist in women’s sizes, by the time I get a size 18 to fit my chest, it literally swims on my waist. Conversely, I can wear a 12 skirt, a 14 is too loose to be comfortable so a dress that is a 16 is too big at the waist and too small for the chest. So, I have this lovely size 18 safari shirt-dress,  (Reitman’s) belted at the waist, love it, love the way it feels on, but it needs to be altered from the chest down to the waist and on to the knee-length hem.

I got an hour to myself one afternoon so the dress came out of the closet. I flipped it inside out and began pinning it then trying it on. I have it back in the closet now, pinned and ready to go to a seamstress for alterations but I can’t get the “alone” time to finish the exercise. Believe me, this is very frustrating.

I was out today, doing errands, by myself for the first time in ages, so I took the opportunity to go shopping. I spent some time in the Vaughan Mills super-mall. They had so many lovely dresses in the fashion “neighborhood”, none of which I could buy because I anticipated problems getting them back into the house unseen. Eventually I took my chances and bought a skirt which I hid in the bag from another store. Wouldn’t you know it, I bought a 14 without trying it on and it’s too big, so I’ll have to go back and exchange it for a 12. One more challenge and yet another reason for throwing caution to the winds and coming out of the closet. I fool myself into believing that I’m brave enough to do that when really I’m not. I’m a coward at heart and my secret will remain a secret until I stumble and it falls out like all the others.

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