Sarahjanus's Blog

May 8, 2010

Crossdresser cross-country

Filed under: crossdresser, Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — Sarah Michelle @ 3:14 am

I have always wondered exactly who I am. Today I took one step closer to understanding myself. Unfortunately it wasn’t an improvement. In the Crossdressers.com forum, I have read the posts and threads of the various personalities as they have written about themselves and I wondered who I wouldbe if I were unfettered by the opinions of others.

This cross-country journey that I am on has given me a lot of time for thought uninterrupted by the normal daily influences and fears.When I dress at home I always have to worry about someone coming to the door, or a child coming home unexpectedly from school or the worst of all situations; my wife arriving home early and unannounced. It is unlikely to the point of probably never happening but it is a possibility so I have to plan for it. These possibilities limit what I can do with clothes, hair and make-up.

I’ve never been really sure how far I would go if  I knew I couldn’t be tripped up by family, friends or acquaintances. Today I stepped out slightly different than normal. I braved the looks of the disapproving and I heard not a word from anyone. Today I bought a casual skirt from a retailer, one that would fit with the shirts and runners that I was wearing while driving, and I wore it for the rest of the day, even while getting gas, and getting in and out of the truck on a number of occasions.

I am to a certain extent a coward. I rarely honestly communicate with those near and dear, and I rarely do exactly what I want to do even when surrounded by strangers, fearing their unspoken criticism. I don’t know if others fear the same things but I fear that if I do something exceptional someone will challenge me. As in; if I dress in women’s clothing without trying to pass, no make-up, no wig, no shoes, just a skirt and a top, a man in women’s clothing, I fear that someone, another man, somewhere will see me and ridicule me. I don’t what the realistic potential for such an encounter is and I think that many of the writers in the forum are overly optimistic about the general acceptance for cross-dressing.

I dress in women’s clothing because it calms me. I become a different person. I feel lighter and less burdened. I would put more effort into the choice of clothes for every day if I could wear women’s clothing constantly but I can’t. My chhoices of men’s clothing, made to meet social expectations are usually low-grade and less-than-attractive. I can;t or don’t coordinate the tops and pants. I don’t care if the clothes are wrinkled or worn. I can’t bebothered to go shoppig for new men’s clothes but I certainly can shop endlessly and relentlessly for the women’s clothes that I buy.

So today I spent the day in a golf shirt and a casual skirt. Those that noticed didn’t comment although I didn’t hang around anywhere to see if they did or to give them anything more than a passing opportunity. Tomorrow, I will wear a dress [safari dress] that I brought with me for the day and see if I can’t force the coward in me to broaden the places I go into…….

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