Sarahjanus's Blog

May 6, 2010

Conflicted thoughts of a crossdresser

Filed under: crossdresser, Uncategorized — Sarah Michelle @ 2:58 am

“Forgive me, Father, it has been whatever number of days since my last confession.” Forgive me, Catholics, I’m not one of you but I have heard the preamble often enough on television to think that I can get it right. I’m just using it as the preamble to this blog; forgive me readers, it has been many days since I last wrote. I haven’t gone away.

Like most crossdressers, I spend more time not being this part of me than I do being Sarah. Even when I can’t dress as I would choose to, I can usually get an hour or so at the computer to update my blog. The past 10 days I have been on the road in fairly remote areas. The cell phone coverage has been spotty, never mind any kind of consistent internet link. I know it may seem strange for those that live in urban areas but there still are large masses of the Canadian country-side that are not served [well] by either internet or cellular coverage. As i have been driving though these areas I wonder what it must be like for a trapped soul [like me] to live in these areas. A person certainly couldn’t expect the anonymity that one has in the big city. There wouldn’t be the opportunity to go walking in the evening in your female persona for fear one of your neighbours saw you. That would probably be news for the local paper for that week. I know that I’m harmless but somehow I don’t expect others will see it that way.

Crossdressers.com forum is one of my favorite sites for a number of reasons. One of the key reasons is, it is a world-wide forum of like-minded people who I wouldn’t get to talk with or listen to without the internet. This has been a double-edged sword. Instead of living in a house in which I sometimes dress in women’s clothing and long for the opportunity to go out in public, I can dress like a woman and log into the web-site to interact with similar people. This is the up-side, not feeling so completely alone with my eccentricity. The “other edge” is that finding like-minded people has given the eccentricity a measure of commonality that it didn’t have when I was alone. Like many on the site I have begun to feel empowered and entitled, ready to take on the world for the right to dress the way I want without being judged. Prior to finding Crossdressers.com, I believed that I had a dirty little secret that I had to keep. Now I know I am eccentric, I mean no one any harm. I have no threatening tendencies.

There is at least one study done in the United Kingdom, which examined the two personalities of self-declared crossdressers. The subjects were men who had a fairly developed female persona, [versus those who didn’t have the female personality or those who dressed for sexual excitement]. The object of the study was to examine the psychological state of the man compared to the same state of the female personality. The outcome was interesting in that the men scored higher in terms of psychoses and neuroses than their female personalities did. When “dressed” the same individual scored healthier than the male did.  I’ve completed enough psychology/sociology courses to identify all of the grounds for attacking the study; has it been replicated, was the sample random, was the sample representative, etcetera. But i can identify with the subjects of the study; I am calmer when I am dressed, I am more relaxed in women’s clothing even if I don’t morph into a complete Sarah. I can be very edgy as my male personality, always tense, always struggling with expectations. I can let go of a lot of that when I take on Sarah.

So, what is it? Gender dysphoria or escaping from the expectations of a male role that we can’t cope with. This is one of the most commonly repeated threads in the forum. Why do we dress? Do we dress because we want to be women? Do we dress because we don’t want to be men? Or is it just an activity that is out on the fringe of acceptable, just like dirt-biking or atv riding? Who knows? Apparently no one does.

Sarah M.., [letting you shame me into hiding]

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